


loving you (always)

by zhongsroyalty



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, Hugs, I tried to make it nice, M/M, Sad, Unrequited Love, m sorry jaemin, um crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21564100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhongsroyalty/pseuds/zhongsroyalty
Summary: jaemin was in love with renjun. too in love with renjun. but soon jaemin realised that the  more he loved renjun, the more he hurt. and soon enough, jaemin knew that the flowers growing in his chest and the petals clogging up his sink weren't doing him any good at all...
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	loving you (always)

**Author's Note:**

> im pretty sure i failed my exam bc i wanted to write this instead of studying. go renmin!!

it was the laugh. 

that’s what caused jaemin to realise. 

renjun, once again burst into a fit of giggles over something dumb hyuck had done and jaemin’s heart swelled up. a weird feeling of warmth spreading over his body.

quickly, he got weird desire to hear that laugh once again. 

and so he did. 

hyuck, thankfully, made a fool of himself yet again and soon enough there was renjun clutching his sides and crying with laughter.

and it’s not like it was the first time jaemin had heard renjun laugh. they’d been together for years, always joking around and playing with each other. but this time it was different.

jaemin didn’t really get involved with hyuck and renjun’s weird schemes so he sat alone on the couch watching them fool around like always. he watched renjun’s eyes crinkle up and watched his face mould into a smile at the stupidest thing. instinctively, he felt his own face smiling with him. 

then he started noticing things, he started to notice weird habits that renjun does, like biting his nails whenever he became anxious or hitting his head whenever he tried to remember something important. he noticed how no matter how hard renjun tried, there was always that one strand of hair that was misplaced and then he noticed how there was that ache in his arms, tempting him to fix it.

and that was it. 

that was when jaemin concluded that maybe his best friend for years meant something more to him than a usual best friend. renjun had quite literally laughed his way into jaemin’s heart and jaemin quite liked it. he sure enough didn’t feel that way for hyuck so it was obvious.

it became weird after that. jaemin started to become more touchy, he realised this too. he was always holding the older boy’s hand or laying his head on his shoulders whenever they were seated. he couldn’t seem to get enough. they could spend all day with each other yet the second they were parted jaemin would miss him. he would miss his starry eyes and his horrible jokes. he would miss the scent of jasmine which always seemed to follow him around. he would just miss him.

jaemin started to always come up with excuses to pull the boy into a hug or touch him. he tried, whenever it was possible to spend most of his time in his presence and weirdly enough, the older boy didn't really notice jaemin's change in attitude. he just laughed his usual laugh and went along with it. not realising the impact it was doing to jaemin.

it was around 2 months after jaemin had come to terms with his feelings for renjun he’d coughed up his first flower.

they were on call, late at night at around 2:30 am. renjun was ranting on and on about whatever nonsense he’d usually done and jaemin was there laying in bed, sacrificing his sleep to listen to him. he didn’t mind, obviously. he loved hearing renjun talk. his voice soothed him and he knew if he could hear renjun talk for hours on end he would. 

renjun had mentioned something about the future. something along the lines of how he wanted to travel the entire world and be free. renjun talked about how he wanted his youth to last and jaemin asked if he’d ever want to settle down with someone. 

renjun laughed from the other line and said he’d be a fool to ever fall for someone.

soon enough jaemin could feel a sudden pain erupting in his chest and he ended the call.  
jaemin claimed he was gonna fall asleep and renjun insisted he did so. then he jumped out of bed and into the bathroom and there it was. 

yellow acacia petals, straight out from his mouth and into the sink.

jaemin panicked. he didn’t think it would get this bad. he didn’t realise he loved renjun this much. he knew he was in love with renjun, but to the extent where jaemin could maybe die without him? 

a shock of pain suddenly shot through his fingers and he saw leaves emerging from the spaces in between. he closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath, letting the unusual feeling of hopelessness take over him.

he understood what was happening loud and clear. 

he was doomed.

it had only gotten worse afterwards. jaemin couldn’t find in himself to stay away from renjun. no matter what he could always find himself being drawn to the boy. they were inseparable, where there was a renjun there was a jaemin.

jaemin knew the consequences of being with him. he knew his feelings were only getting more and more deep. he knew the daisy petals clogging up sink were doing him no good yet he still couldn’t just stay away. 

his lungs were tight and his skin heated up whenever renjun touched him. he would listen to all renjun had to say even though his ears were burning and he ignored the petals growing on his wrist.

he wore long sleeved shirts and baggy clothes in the middle of summer, he bandaged up his wrists and hands just to hide the marks of the flowers and whenever he was questioned he always, somehow found an excuse to hide it. 

until one day he was caught

hyuck, renjun and jaemin were all hanging out at hyuck’s place. they were watching a movie, just the three of them all cuddled up on the couch. renjun had opted to sit next to jaemin and as the movie went on he leaned into his touch and cuddled against his chest. 

jaemin couldn't bear it. he held renjun in his arms yet his arms felt like they were tearing apart, like someone was shredding it. he could feel renjun's heartbeat against his chest but the thing he felt the most was the pain. the pain from his lungs forming those wretched flowers yet again.

his vision had gotten hazy and he knew he had to get out before he spilled. he jumped up without warning and ran into the bathroom, he didn’t look back to renjun who was startled at the sudden movement and he didn’t answer when hyuck asked if everything was alright.

he coughed up all the flowers, vines, petals and whatever else his body made him. blood too poured out and jaemin couldn't help but cry. he was overwhelmed with pain, both physical and emotional, and for the first time jaemin truly thought he was going to die. 

he couldn't help it. he never chose to fall in love with renjun, it all just happened. and now he was suffering from the consequences of something he never got to decide. jaemin continued crying and coughing, he was too wrapped up in himself that he hadn't heard the bathroom door open. 

it was hyuck. he stood there for a moment frozen with shock at the state jaemin was in. he then knelt to the ground facing jaemin, tears of his own brimming his eyes. 

“what the hell happened to you.” hyuck choked out picking up one of the petals from the bare floor, observing it.

“renjun.” jaemin said tearfully.

hyuck looked over to jaemin and helped him. he cleaned the blood and cleared up the petals covering the floor. jaemin watched him silently crying at the mess he’d caused and hyuck wrapped his arms around the boy, reassuring him everything will be alright.

it was two weeks after the incident had taken place and jaemin had only gotten weaker. his face had become pale and lost all it’s colour. He looked malnourished and couldn’t remember the last time he had a proper meal which he didn't throw back out. his fingers was frail and looked as though they belonged to someone thrice his age. his throat was sore from all the vomiting and coughing the boy had endured and his heart ached, like always, yearning for renjun.

hyuck stayed by his side always. no matter what he made sure to stick with him and only prayed that it’ll all come to an end soon. jaemin had become too weak to even move and needed someone there with him. luckily he had hyuck who would serve him cold glasses of water and help him up when he was about to vomit out petals for the nth time.

it hurt hyuck. to see his friend who was once cheerful and bright now laying on the ground all lifeless and vulnerable. it hurt him knowing how much love can damage someone, how much love can ruin a person. 

he became angry at the thought of jaemin allowing himself to be defeated by love. he knew there was nothing he could do about it but the fact that it was happening and it was killing someone just angered hyuck. 

jaemin cried in his arms once again. he cried about renjun and how he wanted to be with him. he cried about how pretty renjun was. he cried about how perfect renjun was. that's all he seemed to do nowadays and to hyuck it kinda seemed like that was all jaemin was capable of. hyuck finally spoke up, not being able to bear it. 

“what are you doing to yourself jaem...”

“i didn’t want this.”

“you can’t let this happen.” 

“there’s nothing i can do hyuckie.” jaemin said weakly, laying in hyuck’s arms. “i love him too much.”

“you need to tell him.” hyuck said.

“there’s no use.”

“yes there is!” hyuck almost shouted. “you say he doesn’t love you back but what do you know?” 

jaemin looked to hyuck and thought over it. it was true, he didn’t know any better.

“jaemin you’re killing yourself. what if you die without him knowing?.” hyuck said almost bursting into tears.

“fine.” jaemin said, not wanting to hurt hyuck.

“fine what?” hyuck asked.

“i’ll tell him. but if i end up dying-”

“you won’t.” 

hyuck didn’t waste anytime in calling renjun over. he knew jaemin was in a dangerous situation and the longer it went on the worse it became. 

jaemin was still poorly laying in bed but the thought of finally confessing to renjun gave him a tiny hint of strength. 

the front door burst open after a couple minutes and he could hear hyuck and renjun murmuring from outside the room. slowly he saw his own bedroom door open and familiar brown eyes locked with his.

renjun’s mouth opened in shock at the sight of jaemin and he immediately ran up to him wrapping his arms around the boy. 

“holy fuck jaemin, what happened? why didn’t you call?” renjun asked. 

jaemin sucked in a breath, his whole body burning at the familiar touch of renjun and he closed his eyes feeling it starting to sting. his heart hammered, two seconds away from jumping out, and his chest felt as though a whole garden was blooming inside. 

throwing up petals was not fun at all. it stung and scratched the insides of your throat making it even difficult to talk. renjun saw that. jaemin was now sat up on the side of the bed coughing into a bowl and renjun shakily rubbed his back, confused and scared as to what was happening. 

he didn’t realise it was because of him. he didn’t realise the more he stayed with jaemin the more he was hurting. he didn’t realise any sort of comfort he tried to provide only made the situation ten times worse. he didn’t realise the reason jaemin was suffering was all because he couldn’t love him back. 

so jaemin made him realise.

after he’d stopped spurting out flowers he turned to renjun straight in the eyes and told him.

“renjun i love you.” 

and then the truth sank in. renjun’s eyes widened and he focused his gaze on to the bowl of petals, connecting the dots.

“no...” renjun whispered out. 

whatever hope jaemin now had completely plummeted to the ground and he found himself struggling to breathe.

renjun panicked and called hyuck into the room, afraid of what would happen next. hyuck tried to stay calm and took jaemin’s hands and guided his breathing. he didn’t show any sign but honest to god, he had no idea what to do. 

“i’m gonna die aren’t i?” jaemin said once he was stable.

“there’s still a way...” hyuck said.

surgery. 

jaemin could technically still survive if he surgically removed the plant’s roots. the problem was however, he’d forget renjun. all his cherished memories, all his stupid inside jokes, all his feelings. all. gone. understanding this, jaemin didn’t really see the point of “surviving”.

“no. no way.” jaemin said.

“jaemin you’re not dying because of me.” renjun piped up, finally saying something.

jaemin looked to renjun with a look of disbelief “why? why can’t i die for you?” he asked.

“renjun i fucking love you.” he said. 

“so?” renjun said his own tears threatening to leak.

“you don’t get. i don’t want to live without you! i don’t want take this stupid surgery if it means i will. all i want is to love you.” jaemin said through his tears.

renjun cried too. he was mad at himself for not loving jaemin back. he wanted too, he wanted to make him happy. 

“i’m sorry jaemin. i’m sorry i don’t love you the way you want me to. i’m sorry you have to go through this.” 

“don’t be sorry. i’m not sorry, i’m glad i got to love you.

“you have so much more to live for jaemin.”

“what's the point of living.”

hyuck sat there clenching his fists listening to the boy’s, enraged at jaemin’s selfishness. 

“how could you say that jaem?” hyuck said. “what about me? don’t i mean anything to you?”

“i-”

“what about your parents?” hyuck continued staring at jaemin blotchy, tear-stained face

“when was the last time you’ve spoken to them huh?” hyuck asked

jaemin turned away from hyuck and stared at the floor. 

“so you’re not gonna speak...” hyuck said.

“go easy on him, god.” renjun warned. 

hyuck raised his eyebrows at renjun and gave him a look. one translating to this all your fault. a wash of guilt came over renjun and avoided hyuck harsh stare. 

“its been months” jaemin muttered.

“wow. how about that? the first time you speak to your parents in months and its with the news you're gonna die because you love some boy.” hyuck spat.

“hyuck you don’t understand.” jaemin whispered.

“you’re right. i don’t. what’s the point.”

“hyuckie please.”

“i’m sorry you have to go through this jaem. really.”

hyuck left the room not being able to stand being there for any longer. he left renjun and jaemin with themselves and jaemin stared at the door with that familiar feeling of suffocation slowly creeping up his chest.

“there’s nothing i can do.” jaemin cried.

“you can save yourself.” renjun stated. “don’t do this.” 

“b-but what about you?” jaemin said, finally considering other options.

“ill miss you.”

hearing those words burned jaemin ears. he once again coughed up petals and leaves but this time it was different. the plants were lifeless, missing colour. some of them were stained and some were ripped. this time he was throwing up fully grown fields of pure death. it hurt than it ever had before but jaemin just allowed it to happen. knowing his fate had to happen

renjun panicked, not knowing what to do. he gave jaemin a glass of water and put a cold cloth on his forehead, he watched how jaemin chugged the liquid in only a matter of seconds and felt his hand heating up from the scorching temperature jaemin was at and how the cool cloth dried up serving no use for jaemin.

renjun blamed himself. he caused this. he caused all this pain and for a second renjun thought that maybe he can stop it. so, in a moment of fear and desperation, renjun took jaemin’s face and brought his lips to his own. he held jaemin’s cheeks with both of his hands, hoping to stop the hurting.

but all jaemin did was slowly pull away from renjun’s touch a give him a sad smile. “kissing me wont do anything. you have to love me back.”

renjun groaned, not knowing what he was expecting to happen.

“jaemin you have to take the surgery.”

“i can't forget you renjun.”

“i love you.” renjun said

“i know.” jaemin smiled

“if you love me too you’ll take the surgery and live your life.”

jaemin took renjun hands in his own and interlocked his fingers he knew he shouldn’t but he, yet again, leaned in closer and kissed renjun for the very last time. jaemin let hyuck, without any resistance, take him to hospital with only renjun and rose petals occupying his thoughts.

“you’re awake!” hyuck almost screamed jumping on jaemin. 

jaemin blinked confused. he looked around and saw himself laying in a hospital bed and bright lights blinding his view. he saw hyuck grinning at him and looked down to see hospital attire on him.

“uhhhh what the hell happened?” jaemin asked hyuck.

“you got into an accident.” hyuck lied.

“i got into a what?” jaemin questioned

“yeah man, it’s sort of a long story.” hyuck said, rubbing the back of his neck avoiding eye contact.

“oh.” jaemin said still confused.

hyuck monitored jaemin. he watched his movements closely and inspected whether anything was off. “how do you feel by the way?”

“i feel like a just took a really really long nap.” jamein laughed. “i cant believe i got into an accident.” jaemin shook his head still in shock.

hyuck smiled at him. he didn’t show it but he was overjoyed. his friend, once lifeless and love stricken was now full of colour and back to his old self. the fact that he almost lost him terrified him and now, knowing he was alive and well overjoyed him.

the nurses and surgeons came and gave jaemin and hyuck the pass to leave. jaemin still didn’t know the full story but he was just in too much of daze to care yet. the two boys were now in the reception walking out until someone caught jaemin’s eye.

there was a boy sat in the corner looking back directly at him. he was shorter than him and had dark hair. jaemin felt a sense of familiarity looking into the boy’s eyes yet he just couldn’t come up with anything. so he tapped hyuck’s shoulders and discreetly pointed the boy out.

“hey hyuck, is there any chance you know who that is?” jaemin asked.

hyucks throat dried up immediately recognising renjun. “no...why?” he asked carefully.

“he looks so...sad.” jaemin said still staring.

“do you know him?” hyuck asked jaemin, staring at renjun too.

“no fucking clue.” jaemin said turning away and giving hyuck a lopsided grin.

**Author's Note:**

> aaaa u made it 2 the end :o,, how was it? pls i feel like i did renjun SO DIRTY LMAOOOO  
> hopefully it wasnt too sad :))  
> don't drink and drive!!  
> [ twitter](https://twitter.com/zhongsroyalty)  
> [ cc< /a>](https://curiouscat.me/zhongsroyalty/post/965581123?t=1566582507)


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